My perception of reality doesn't usually intersect with everyone else's very well. I have a hard time knowing where my paranoia ends, and my justified worries start. I also have a hard time realizing when I'm missing important details I really really should be paying attention. I read things into situations that aren't there, I dismiss things as paranoia when I really shouldn't and I completely miss things I should have been paying better attention.

I also have a tendency to spend too much time worrying about things, and not enough time actually doing them. I worry about how hard it will be to find another job, so I never do any job hunting. I worry about how hard it'll be to learn to drive, and it took me multiple years to get my license where it usually takes most people in my generation only six months, and that's partially because they're obligated to take classes and have a waiting period.

I randomly become aware of these things for the oddest reason. I'm usually completely oblivious to these details, even though I can spout 'em back at people regularly enough that it's become standard for me to tell people I trust "just be painfully blunt with me, sometimes that's the only way I get a clue". However, when I become aware of these things I worry about stuff like how the people I care about see me. I find it hard to understand how anyone can be patient with me despite my failures at human interactions. I also constantly joke that it takes so much out of me working customer service, taking care of my customers, that I don't have any energy or effort left when it comes to dealing with the people who actually do matter.

Right now, I'm mad at myself because I haven't been able to go out and visit drwho4 at his house on my days off within the last few weeks. Between the way my work schedule has been jerked around, all the crap I had to do to my apartment on account of the jackasses with the unit above me being neglectful and destructive of their apartment and it leaking into mine, and my having the attention span of a gnat and being unable to buckle down and do a solid uninterrupted bout of work on anything, I just haven't been able to make it out there. I had been hoping he was going to come out tonight, I could have used the company, but the convention he volunteers for is coming up in about a month and a half, and the deadline for the scheduling crap he has to do is at the end of this month. So he elected to stay home and work on that stuff tonight, instead of coming out here a night early.

In tangently related news, I bought a copy of Watchmen yesterday, as I wanted to read it after enjoying the movie. I really liked Rorschach in the movie, but you get a little deeper into him when you read the graphic novel. Where most people just seem to take him as a curiosity, as bad ass and awesome to watch, or watch with morbid curiosity, I find myself identifying with him. Sure, I haven't been through the extremes he went though, I don't see myself as randomly stalking the streets and kicking ass in order to reach the greater good, but there is a part of me that wishes I could. There is a part of me that understands his logic, that agrees with his choices. All of them.

I thought I'd switched off for the night by finishing reading Fool, but work stress butted right back in. Should have been asleep 3 hours ago!

Edit: $9 an hour is not worth this level of stress. I need to get away from this job before it does to me what my last job did. I can not afford to start calling out because I get so stressed thinking about going to work that I don't even feel I'm safe to drive. I can not afford to be so stressed at night I can't fall asleep. I can not afford to take a year to get back to my balance point after finally hitting rock bottom and losing my job, and be out of work all that time. This time I don't have a savings account to cover my ass if that happens, and I don't have the patience to deal with the jackasses in the unemployment office.

I should be in bed now, I should be asleep. I have my alarm set for 6:30am, I should have had it set for 6am, but I know I'll just snooze for the extra half hour at this point, given that I should have been asleep at 10pm.

I can't take this, but I'm afraid that between the economy, and my stressed state, any efforts to job hunt will only make me worse off.

I'm so fucking frustrated. I feel so isolated and I feel like anything I try to do for myself just up and backfires. Everyone I know, they're too busy or care so little about me that I never hear from any of them unless I press the issue or I happen to work with them.

I tried to go and skate today, but every time I even so much as looked at the park or considered it, someone else was there. The one time I found it empty and made it up there, I was only there for fifteen fucking minutes before other people came along. I wouldn't mind sharing the space, but there is barely enough room for me to skate reasonably even when the damn place is empty, so having people taking up half the basketball court leaves me with no room to actually skate in. I see other people there, and I just don't bother because it'd be rude, but apparently the same doesn't occur to other people if I'm there already. They just kind of walk on up and start taking up space.

Then my coworker, Jerry, said he'd call me and we'd hang out today. It's three-thirty in the afternoon already, and I haven't heard the peep from him. I have to say I'm not surprised, as he just doesn't seem to remember to call me when he says he will. When he started talking about wanting to hang out, I told him that he was going to call me if we were going to, I wasn't going to call him. I explained I've known too many people who just fail to make any effort to contact me outside of work or class, even though they talk big about how I'd be cool to hang out with or whatever. However, apparently even being told outright that not bothering to call when he said he would is just not acceptable, he still can't remember to call me.

I'm so horrible about making friends, so it frustrates me all to hell when I find people who sound like they're interested in being friends, then it backfires like this. I'll make the effort to contact them, but if it's all one way effort, I get tired, I get frustrated and it just stresses me out. I really need to figure out how to fix this problem. That or figure out how to be happy being all alone and worthless. The latter is probably more likely to work out. I should start developing a cat or ferret collection. That'd be better than depending upon people for companionship, at least the animals would give me attention since I am the provider of their food. Meh.

If I just disappeared tomorrow, would any of you miss me?

It's almost August, and my birthday's on the 20^th. I figure this isn't too early to put up a birthday wishlist. It's a pretty short one this year though: I want a job that doesn't suck. What's that involve?

• No making me adjust my sleep schedule away from my optimum sleep schedule. When I say I don't function in the am once I've slept, or attempted to sleep, I mean that once I go to bed for the night, I better not be expected to be awake and functional until noon, though I can push it forward to 10am if that's when I wake up, not when I'm expected to be showered, fed, and bright eyed and bushy tailed to start work. I function best when I sleep between two and ten am.
• I am selling or supporting a product or service I believe in. Expecting me to sell cell phones for companies I won't get my service through, even with employee plans dangled in my face, yeah, doesn't work. Expecting me to push services I don't believe in, also doesn't work. Not hiring me when I actually believe I can hawk your shit? Yeah, that doesn't help either.
• Pays me enough money that I can afford to go out and have fun even when I have to pay bills like rent, insurance, utilities, etc. This means I need to be making more than eight to ten an hour, which is about all people seem to want to pay these days unless you've got multiple college degrees and enough debt to require higher than what people want to pay you then.

I understand this is a tall order, but I'm getting pissed off here. I'm having trouble finding anything that agrees with all of the above. If I compromise on the first two options, I'm a shit employee. If I compromise on the last item, how the hell can I afford to live? Well, at least with the last one, having half of the money I need coming in is better than no money coming in, but still. So much hate.